How does Janet do it?

Janet is my sister-in-law and the family’s official baker. Others in my family are good in the kitchen, but Janet’s often the one who arrives at gatherings with a plate of perfectly baked, delicious chocolate chip cookies.

In my roles as mom and grandmother, I’ve probably baked at least 200 cakes, dozens of cookies and an occasional pie. Most were courtesy of a box mix, but on special occasions, I go the extra mile and bake from scratch.

Last night, I wanted to make some end-of-the-school-year treats, so I decided to go old school, figuring I could probably still whip up a decent dessert.

I had a package of semi-sweet chocolate chips in the pantry, and I knew they’d print a cookie recipe on the back. Even though the ingredient list looked long, I knew I had everything, so I went to work.

First, the flour and sugar. The canisters on the counter were almost empty, so I decided to fill them up first. That resulted in my spilling flour all over the counter. Thinking I’d get a little smarter, I decided to pour the sugar straight into the measuring cup from the bag.

Mistake. The sugar came out in a rush and I spilled sugar all over the counter that mixed in with the flour.

The recipe called for ¾ cup of brown sugar, but after measuring, there was some left in the bag. I told myself it didn’t matter if I poured all the rest of that brown sugar in the bowl. I stacked the rest of the dry ingredients next to the bowl.

Then it was time to beat the butter.  I’d forgotten to take two sticks out of the refrigerator. A minute in the microwave softened the butter right up, probably a bit too much, but I confidently added the white sugar and reached into the fridge for an egg.

I accidentally dropped the egg, stopped, cleaned it up and went back to the recipe. But I’d lost track of where I was. Had I added the baking powder? What about the salt? The problem, I told myself, was too many ingredients.

I was facing a counter crowded with vanilla, oil, Crisco, measuring spoons, pot holders, cooling racks and the dinner dishes. I thought I’d added everything, so I moved on to the baking part.

The directions called for an ungreased cookie sheet, so I took them at their word. I finally got the cookies in the oven, set the timer and filled up another baking sheet.

I bravely and foolishly thought since I’d dragged out the baking pans, I might as well make brownies to go along with the cookies.

Luckily, I had a box mix for that and mixed it up – only two ingredients – whew.

I peeked in the oven. The cookies were as flat as a pancake.

“Maybe they puff up in the last couple of minutes of cooking time,” I thought.

That was incorrect.

When I tried to get the first batch of cookies off the baking sheet, they wouldn’t budge. I thought I’d have to get a hammer and scraper to get those cookies off. I quickly yanked the second pan out of the oven, took the raw cookies off and put some parchment paper down.

Back in the oven they went, and I put the crumbled cookies on a plate for my husband. He’s used to my disasters in the kitchen. I told him those crumbs would make great ice cream toppings.

He pretended to believe me.

When the last pan of cookies was finished – all as flat as a plate – I put the brownies in for the time called for on the box. Twenty minutes later, they seemed to be done.

I let them cool, but when I tried to cut them, it was like trying to cut mud. I added clumps of slightly underdone brownies to the plate of cookie crumbs and consoled myself with the fact that my husband would have a great ice cream sundae.

Everything tasted okay, but the kitchen was in shambles. I had flour, sugar and egg all over my shirt, I’d dirtied four baking pans, all the measuring cups, three bowls, a Pyrex baking dish and a dozen spoons and knives.

Home-made might sound heavenly, but the next time I have a desire to bake something special, I know exactly what to do.

Call Janet.

This column was originally published in The Fort Bend Herald.