On Thanksgiving Day, I put a little too much liquid in the pan with the turkey. The juices spilled over but I forgot to wipe up the mess.

We’re mostly air fryer and microwave chefs these days, so cleaning up the burnt-on gunk faded from my to-do list.

A few nights ago, I turned on the oven and the house immediately filled with smoke. That’s when I remembered the mess in the oven. There was no avoiding the chore – the oven needed to be cleaned. This is a once-a-year job for me.

Okay, let’s be honest.

Maybe once in a blue moon job.

Luckily, I had a can of oven cleaner, probably from last Thanksgiving. I followed the instructions, but that burnt-on mess wasn’t budging.

A few hours later, I sprayed the cleaner again, but the residue still wouldn’t come off.

I moved to the next level – baking soda, water and vinegar. Half a gallon of vinegar and a box of baking soda later, the gunk stayed there.

I did some reading and found Barkeeper’s Friend powder might work. After another hour of scrubbing, most of the gunk was gone.

Standing in front of the oven with three dirty towels and a destroyed sponge on the floor, I asked myself why I’d spent all day and two nights trying to clean something no one will ever see.

It’s not like I invite people over and, after they come in, ask if they’d like to see the clean oven.

Same with the toilet bowls. We have hard water, and a hard-water ring constantly forms inside the toilet bowl.

I read an article and found a pumice stone can remove hard-water rings. The article was spot on, and a pumice stone is now part of the toilet bowl cleaning routine.

But that wasn’t the end of my bathroom cleaning obsession. The day I watched a bathroom cleaning video and saw you could pull up the tabs on the toilet seat and clean underneath them was as if I’d discovered the lost route to the Holy Grail.

I also spend an inordinate amount of time polishing the kitchen stove top. After meals, I spray the ceramic top with Windex and polish until there’s no stains.

I’ve spent hours trying to keep the cast-iron grates clean, spraying them with oven cleaner and scraping burnt-on food away with a putty knife.

It’s a form of insanity.

Never have I had guests over and invited them to inspect the cast-iron grates on the stovetop. Nor have I pointed out the sparkling porcelain in the toilet. I will admit to pointing out the clean interior of my vehicle because it’s a rarity.

Before anyone gets the idea I’m a clean freak, let me point out that I haven’t cleaned the dust from the fan blades in over a year. Nor have I swept or vacuumed behind the bedroom doors in probably five years.

I’ve had the same can of Pledge for at least three years – it’s still almost full – and I haven’t cleaned the glass on the picture frames since we moved in 15 years ago.

But that oven, stove top and toilet bowl? Let me tell you – clean as a whistle.

It shouldn’t matter if anyone other than me cares or knows about the cleanliness of my house or car. The cleaning isn’t for anyone else – it’s a personal achievement.

But perhaps there’s a bigger reward further down the road. When I get to the judgment gates in the great beyond, I’m hoping St. Peter will say “Wow, Denise, your toilets were gleaming. Come on in.”

 

This column was originally published in The Fort Bend Herald.