Yesterday, I watched a car zoom across four lanes of traffic on I-10 at 65 miles an hour. All the cars around this selfish driver were slamming on their brakes as he exited without slowing down.

Curious, I wondered if there was a law about that kind of aggressive driving. When I got home, I started investigating, went down a rabbit hole and got hooked.

According to the Neal Davis Law firm, Texas Penal Code Section 48.02, it is against the law to sell human organs. You are, however, free to sell blood and hair.

I wonder if it’s against the law to auction off cellulite, wrinkles, crow’s feet and varicose veins. I’d be a millionaire if that was true.

Eating your neighbor’s garbage without permission can land you in jail for trespassing and property theft. Someone needs to alert the dogs down the street because they’re up to no good.

When my neighbor puts his garbage at the street in a plastic bag, those dogs rip it open in minutes. I wonder if they’d think twice if they knew their behavior was against the law.

I have a feeling they won’t care.

Those planning to commit a crime in Texas are required by law to provide their victims with 24 hours written or verbal notice.

The next time someone breaks into my car, smashing the windows and taking my belongings, I hope they got permission to do that. I’d hate to think they were violating the law.

This law had to be written by drunk legislators – while you don’t legally need a windshield to drive a car in Texas, it is illegal to drive without windshield wipers.

In Galveston, you can be fined $500 for sitting on the sidewalk. Please tell that to all the Mardi Gras revelers who sit down and count their beads while waiting for the next float to pass by.

Some of the dumb laws make sense. Don’t milk someone else’s cow. You can get fined up to $10. Back when milk was hovering around $5 a gallon, it might’ve been tempting to grab a bucket and look for old Bessie.

It’s illegal to drive your horse and buggy through a town square. I wish it was illegal to drive a car with the radio blaring through the middle of town.

It’s illegal to own encyclopedias because they contain a recipe to make homemade beer. These lawmakers better not look at a teenager’s cell phone.

The recipe to making a nuclear bomb is online, but let’s outlaw Encyclopedia Britannica. It’s the gateway to world destruction.

You can’t make a u-turn at any intersection in Richardson, Texas. That law would cripple Houstonians. I see people making U-turns at intersections, through the median, and occasionally in someone’s front yard.

In all fairness, we’re not the only state with strange and unusual laws. In Louisiana, you can’t tie an alligator to a fire hydrant. I guess it’s okay to tie one to a fence or the bumper of your car, just not a fire hydrant.

Many Texans think California is a weird place. They have some strange laws that back up that claim. In L.A., it’s against the law to lick a toad or wear a Zoot suit. There goes all the weekend fun.

Peacocks have the right of way to cross any California street, including driveways. Here in Texas, Longhorns and Aggies have that right.

You wonder who had the time to think up these laws. Then you wonder who listened to the pros and cons in the legislature. Then, the final head scratcher is who and how many voted these kinds of motions into actual laws.

The next time I’m in Louisiana, I’ll be on the lookout for alligators tied to fire hydrants. If I’m ever in California, I’ll need to resist licking any toads. That, not crossing over six lanes of traffic, is sure to land me in jail.

Go figure.

 

This column was originally published in The Fort Bend Herald.