Something that should be enjoyable is a massage. I always imagined being in a warm room with dimmed lights and soft music playing in the background. A masseuse gently works the cricks and aches out of my joints.

So far, this has not been my experience. The room is softly lit and there’s usually some incense burning. But then the masseuse gets to work, pushing on muscles and joints. Having a linebacker pound on my back wasn’t what I envisioned last week.

“That’s a little hard,” I finally said. She apologized and started back softer, but in less than 15 seconds, she was putting her full weight into my shoulder blade.

She said I had a lot of kinks to work out and, as we all know, getting rid of those knots required a bit of work.

In other words, “suck it up, buttercup.”

That’s exactly the sentiment I have for quite a few beauty treatments I’ve undergone. First on the list of “no pain, no gain” is getting rid of unwanted hair.

One of the traits I inherited from my mom’s side of the family is healthy hair. That hair, unfortunately, also likes to grow on my upper lip and chin.

In order to not look like my hairy Uncle Mitch, I go to a hair salon to have these areas waxed.

Waxing is not for the faint of heart although you might believe it’s going to be painless.

You lie down on a soft table and instrumental music is playing in the background. A nice technician comes in and asks where you’d like the hair removed.

“My entire face,” is the answer I want to say, but I just generally point to my upper lip. The very nice lady clucks her tongue and rolls up her sleeves.

Then she tells me to close my eyes, and I can hear her assembling all the ingredients. Before I know it, she’s got a wooden tongue depressor and is applying warm wax above and below my eyebrows.

Then she takes a piece of cotton material, puts it over the hot wax and rubs back and forth.

That feels nice, but then comes the pain train.

In one quick movement, she rips the fabric off my face, taking with it the unwanted hair. At this point, my eyes water and I wish I could learn to accept my hairy heritage instead of having a wax treatment.

Then she moves on to the most painful of all, the upper lip. I’ve had a wisdom tooth removed with only a shot of Novocain. That is nothing compared to having my upper lip ripped smooth.

After that, waxing my chin is a walk in the park.

This is all for unwanted hair. The hair you do want to keep requires almost constant maintenance. Some women spend every Saturday in the beautician’s chair, having their hair processed, straightened, colored and conditioned.

The treatments have a strong chemical smell and you get to sit there with your head covered in goop for about an hour. Sometimes your scalp burns, but what really burns is how much just having your hair done costs. One cut, color and style can easily run $100.

Sure, you can try it yourself, but you might end up like my mom did – with lilac hair and a trim as even as a 50-year-old sidewalk.

We’re told the look isn’t complete without make-up. One bottle of foundation can cost anywhere from $15 to $45 and eye shadow is about the same price. Lipstick that lasts more than five minutes can run up to $37 for just one tube.

Then you have to take it all off at night with special cleansers and apply expensive cream to keep the wrinkles away.

These routines and prices aren’t for me. I’m more of a drugstore make-up gal. I only wear mascara if I’m going to a place where there are grownups. Mostly, I keep my fingers crossed my mom’s genes will take care of the crow’s feet and laugh lines.

So far, so good.

For all of you who love massages, all-day hair appointments and the latest make-up trends, indulge and enjoy. For those who are more like me, wear those Earth shoes with pride.

Mostly, embrace you, in all your wonderful, less-than-perfect and, in some cases, hairy glory.

 

This column was originally published in The Fort Bend Herald.