Insect repellent.

Check.

Long sleeves.

Check.

Sword, shield, battle gear.

I wish.

Mosquito season has officially begun.  This year, the nasty insects are out in full force thanks to the heavy rains we’ve had over the past few weeks.

Coupled with the heat, it’s the perfect condition for mosquito larvae to hatch. It’s miserable for anyone who steps outside.

The grandkids and I were getting in the car one evening, and at least a dozen mosquitoes shoved their way into the car in the few seconds the doors were open.

That doesn’t include the ones we fought off on the way to the car. While swatting the bugs, the kids and I talked about the importance of insects in the circle of life.

They’re food for birds, help provide nutrients to the soil and, according to Texas A&M University, have the potential to be a tasty addition to restaurant menus.

No thank you.

Not all bugs are disgusting. Our boys loved picking up rolly pollys, watching them curl up and then waiting for them to unfurl and crawl off again.

Our grandchildren are equally fascinated by rolly pollys and caterpillars, and they’re not afraid to pick up little bugs.

All except the black, hairy stinging caterpillars. We made sure the kids stayed far away from them.

The South has more than its share of disgusting insects. First on the list are the ferocious, relentless and ever-present fire ants. They’re the most terrifying warriors on the planet.

Nothing can kill them. There hasn’t been an ant poison created that can stop them. Their bites are ferocious, and they attack with amazing speed.

The government should find a way to use them in warfare.

Then we have love bugs. There’s nothing to love about these seemingly harmless black bugs that float around during love-bug season. That is until you examine the front of your car and see a million love-bug bodies smeared across the grill.

They’re impossible to remove unless you use a power sander and, when you do, their carcasses take the paint right off your car. Maybe they’re bird food, but I doubt it. So we’re stuck with them until we find a way to rid the planet of these pesky bugs.

In certain years, oak trees are covered with caterpillars. They’re a big, swarming circle of disgusting bugs that make it look like the bark’s moving. Don’t stand too close to the tree to get a closer look – they’ll fall from the branches into your hair.

Northerners are always afraid when they see their first big, brown cockroach. That fear goes into full-blown terror when they realize those things can glide. The crunching sound they make when you step on them makes me gag, but a dead roach is better than a live one.

We have a problem with gnats right now. Much like the love bugs, gnats are tiny, almost invisible terrorists that bite and leave big welts all over your face or neck. It’s tough to find a bug repellent for them, but we did – Bug Soother spray in a big green bottle.

No matter where you live, flies are always a problem. I had a super fly in my car for two weeks – it wouldn’t get sucked out of the windows nor could I kill it. When I left the doors open for a few hours, that fly put out a mayday call for friends, and three more joined in.

But I found the secret to killing flies. Come up at them from behind. They can’t see you, and you’ll swat them every single time.

Until a harsh winter arrives, we’re stuck with the revolting bugs, stinging caterpillars, hairy spiders and ferocious fire ants.

Now where’d I put that can of Off?

 

This column was originally published in The Fort Bend Herald.