Rumination:  The process of continuously thinking about the same thoughts, which tend to be sad or dark. – Healthline.org

 

I’d had a bad day. More than that, I’d had a bad run of days. After the last stupid thing I did happened, I sat down and went over what was bothering me so much.

The answer was practically everything.

That’s because I was ruminating.

I wrote it – I’m a ruminator. I’m that person who keeps thinking about the same mistakes I’ve made over and over again. It’s not a fun place to be because any little thing that goes wrong suddenly becomes a bonfire.

The latest log on the fire was published in my column last week. I boasted I’d helped my grandson with his math homework of lowest common denominator.

I wrote in the column, no I bragged in the column, how I explained that 3/6 is actually 1/3. Thanks to a sharp reader, Janice, that statement is incorrect. When I got that email, my heart sank and I could feel myself wearing a dunce cap.

And so the boulder of self-doubt and self-recrimination started rolling down the hill.

Sometimes, that boulder only weighs 10 pounds. On those days, it’s fairly easy to sidestep the menacing boulder.

But when that rock is the size of an elephant with no signs of stopping – a huge error in print for thousands to see – those are the days I pull the blanket over my head, close my eyes and prepare for the impact.

After the humiliation stopped being so crippling, I looked for articles for ways to get past the “you suck” feeling.

Here’s a few tips I found online.

Call a friend or family member. Let’s face it – we’ve done that and our friends and family members are sick of hearing us whine.

We’re sick of hearing ourselves whine. And because we’re beating ourselves up anyway, we feel guilty if we don’t ask what’s going on in their life because otherwise we’re a drain on someone else’s happiness.

Doing chores is suggested. That works for about a minute, because while you’re doing the mindless task of loading the dishwasher or vacuuming, the “you suck” thoughts come bouncing back into your head.

Watching a movie can be therapeutic but as soon as the end credits roll and you turn off the TV or computer, those sneaky thoughts come racing right back.

It’s as if the whispers were lurking in the background, sharpening their claws, waiting. And here you thought you’d been distracted.

I’ve tried reading a book, but three pages in, I can’t remember what I read. I remember what I was upset about. Then the self-inflicted insults come hurling right back.

Getting out and doing something physical can work unless, like me, you’re out of shape. Then I start beating myself up for those extra pounds and the days I sat in front of the computer instead of walking or riding a bike.

Not only was I beating myself up for the dumb things I’d said or done, now I felt bad about how I looked.

I followed one piece of advice –take action by writing down the steps you need to take to feel better.

I did that last week. Then I misplaced the book I wrote those steps in. I cringe every time I think of someone finding that yellow notebook and wondering what kind of helpless whiner wrote that to-do list.

Meditation was the least helpful remedy on the list. At this point in my life, if I relax in one spot for more than two minutes, I fall fast asleep.

That “focus on nothing but breathing” doesn’t work when those negative thoughts are running a marathon in your head.

The only ways I’ve found to stop ruminating are apologizing and giving myself and the other person time. Sooner rather than later, I’ll do something dumb again and I’ll have to start the process all over again.

 

This column was originally published in The Fort Bend Herald.