In the world of politics, one should never be surprised at how far politicians and their handlers will go to spin a story. But the latest words out of Donald Trump’s counselor Kellyanne Conway hit a new “are-you-kidding-me” note.

Conway said White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer used “alternative facts” when he claimed the crowds at newly-elected President Donald Trump’s swearing-in ceremony the largest ever.

Conway backed up Spicer’s claim and said the Trump camp was using “alternative facts” instead of facts the press was reporting.

Thank you, Kellyanne Conway. I now have a way to explain most of the mishaps and misunderstandings in my life. I can simply use alternative facts.

Let’s go back to when I was 14 years old and trying to learn how to drive in reverse. I was practicing in the driveway when I misjudged the distance between the back bumper and the house.

My dad was furious, but if I’d had Kellyanne around, I could’ve simply told my father he was looking at the fact that the sheetrock was cracked. I could’ve said the alternative facts were that the jagged line in the sheetrock from the ceiling to the floor was simply settling of the joint compound. We should, in fact, sue the builder for using faulty materials.

Kellyanne could probably help me with the degrees I’ve earned. When I was 18, I completed an associate’s degree in office administration. Thirty years later, I went back to college and earned a bachelor’s degree in interdisciplinary studies.

With Kellyanne’s help, I could say I’ve been to college on two separate occasions and earned two degrees. People could assume I’m talking about a master’s and maybe even a doctorate. After all, the truth is I did earn two degrees. Kellyanne doesn’t have to say which degrees I earned.

Now to that speeding ticket I got in Woodworth, La. The speed limit on one stretch of Highway 165 drops from 65 to 45 almost instantly. Changing speed limits happen in every state, but this happens in what seems like 10 feet of uninterrupted highway.

If Kellyanne would’ve been around, not only would I have gotten out of that ticket, but Kellyanne could’ve probably gotten the police department to send a letter to my insurance agent demanding the company lower my rates because I pointed out such an egregious way to extort money from unsuspecting drivers.

Where Kellyanne could really help me, though, is with the numbers in my life, since that’s what Spicer is accused of exaggerating. I literally own 15 pairs of shoes, some of which are over 10 years old. I’ve never paid full price for a pair of shoes in my life, but Kellyanne could help me appear chic and modern.

If I use Kellyanne logic, I really own 150 pairs of footwear. And while we’re at it, Kellyanne, drop my shoe size from an 8 to a 6. Oh what the heck – make it a size 5. Narrow if you please.

And if we’re lowering numbers, let’s talk about body measurements. I don’t weigh what the scale states – that number is incorrect. It’s actually lower. A whole lot lower, right Kellyanne?

Now on to height. The ruler states 5 feet 2 inches. I’d love to be at least 5 feet 10 inches tall, and that’s only stretching eight inches. What’s even better is that in Kellyanne’s world, that would make my weight absolutely perfect for my height.

And my age? If I use Kellyanne logic, I could subtract 20 years from my age and be within the limits of telling the truth.

Because we wouldn’t be saying untruths or lies. We’d be using alternative facts.

Ain’t the political life grand.

 

This column was originally published in The Fort Bend Herald.