Growing up, my dad had a direct, no-nonsense way of dispensing advice and marching orders to his seven children.
“Do what I tell you to do when I tell you to do it” and “Do what I say, not what I do.” Simple, easy to understand and to the point. He dealt with us in that straight-forward manner until he passed away, even though his children were all adults with their own families.
At some point, children become adults, and it’s not always easy for parents to modify the way we impart advice.
When my boys were young, my friend, Helen, gave me the best advice – use one-syllable words and their entire name in circumstances requiring immediate obedience.
“Stop it” and “right now” were two of my favorites. Those two phrases met all of Helen’s criteria.
When they were teenagers, my mothering orders became lengthier. I read a lot of parenting books, and I tried their expert advice.
“Explain why you’re making that decision to your teen so they understand,” was one technique I thought would work.
I remember standing in my teenage son’s disaster of a room and explaining why it was in his best interests to put his dirty clothes in the hamper. I failed with that technique for months until I remembered Helen’s advice.
“Clean it up or you’re grounded” finally worked.
Now that all of my sons are adults, I’m realizing it’s hard to transition from the front-line mommy role to the bleacher-seat mom role.
My husband mastered the evolution with a lot more success than I did and only offers advice if asked.
On the other hand, I spout “words of wisdom” like I’m a soda machine.
I’m still trying to tell them what to do even though they are quite capable of running their own lives.
That realization is a little depressing because I want my sons to still ask me for help or advice. I want to help them through the tough times and ask me how to remove stains from a dress shirt.
My mom, Delores, has adult parenting down pat. I asked her how she manages to keep a good relationship with all seven of her adult children and her daughters- and sons-in-law.
She said the answer is easy – she never tells us what to do and she doesn’t get too involved in our personal lives.
The best she can do, she said, is to listen without judgment. She is there to love and support us, our spouses and especially our children and grandchildren.
Most importantly, Mom said we need to know she believes in our decisions and will stand by us no matter what path we decide to take.
“It’s that simple,” she said.
Maybe simple for her, but that advice is hard to put into practice. I tried her way when talking to my niece. Because of the coronavirus outbreak in Louisiana, she was looking at postponing her wedding.
She asked me what to do, and my first impulse was to spout off my opinion. I almost overlooked a golden opportunity to change the way I deal with my now adult nieces and nephews.
I thought long and hard about my mom’s philosophy. Then I told my wonderful niece I knew she’d do the right thing because she was smart and I believed in her.
Not giving advice was hard, but listening to her, really listening, and then talking to my niece like the intelligent, caring adult she is was a whole lot easier.
I hung up without my giving my two cents’ worth, and hoped I’d said the right things to her.
Now the hard part comes. When dealing with my now-adult children, I need to remember: “WWDD” – “What Would Delores Do?”
This column was originally published in The Fort Bend Herald.