One of these days…

Yep, one of these days…

One of these days, I’m going to clean the dust off the top of the refrigerator.

I’m short so if I can’t see the dirt, it doesn’t exist.

That means the following areas are never dirty or dusty – the top of the fridge, the artificial greenery over the cabinets in the kitchen and the tops of picture frames. But they still get dirty and I know I need to clean them.

Sigh. One of these days.

One of these days, I’m going to learn how to bake bread.

I’ve been watching “The Great British Baking Show,” and these people not only know how to bake a loaf of bread, they whip up bakery goods I can barely pronounce. In a few hours, they create cardamom buns, focaccia, korovai and challah.

I think I want to bake bread, but when I see these people break out in a sweat from kneading sticky dough, I change my mind. Still, spending $10 on ingredients to get a $2 loaf of bread does call my name from time to time.

One of these days, I’m going to actually follow a healthy eating plan. I know what that plan looks like – low-fat food, lots of green, leafy vegetables, gallons of water and lean meats.

This healthy eating plan does not include french fries, cheeseburgers, chips, chocolate or crawfish etouffee. It also doesn’t include late-night snacks, the rest of the bag of Cadbury eggs from Easter or peanut butter on a spoon.

Healthy eating won’t happen as long as I’m watching that baking show with its chocolate cakes, puddings, scones and pies.

One of these days, I’m going to get my passport renewed. During the covid lockdown, I cleaned out the firebox in my office. Inside was my passport – only two stamps in there – but I noticed it had expired.

I read what one has to do to get a passport renewed, and, as expected, it’s a complicated process requiring all kinds of documents. For instance, my original birth certificate. I’m retired – like I know where my birth certificate is located. But one of these days, I’ll get over to the courthouse and renew my passport.

Because… one of these days… I want to travel outside the United States. I find myself daydreaming about visiting Switzerland like my good friend Patsy or seeing the sights in London like my friend Devoni.

All I have to do is get my new passport and then part with the money so I can hop on a jet to places unexplored.

One of these days, I’m going to visit the museums in Houston. I’ve visited the ones around here, and they’re fabulous.

But we live next to one of the largest and most diverse cities in the United States, a place that offers irreplaceable paintings, eons-old fossils and priceless gems.

There’s a museum that’ll take me back to the prehistoric days, one that showcases the atrocities of the Holocaust and one with funky cars painted in every color under the sun.

One of these days, I’ll drive to Austin and stand in the line at Franklin Barbecue. I’ll remember to bring a lawn chair and sunscreen and see why people are gushing about the restaurant’s barbecue brisket.

I love the barbecue eateries in our area, but to say I’ve been to Franklin Barbecue would give me some bragging rights among the pit masters.

Yep, one of these days I’ll hop in my car at five in the morning and go stand in that long line. Right after I get my passport renewed and clean the dust off the top of the dresser in our bedroom.

One of these days, I’ll quit daydreaming about what I want to experience, see, visit, and get with savoring the rich adventures waiting just around the bend.

Maybe that day is today.

This column was originally published in The Fort Bend Herald. 

Some movies are instantly recognizable with just one line – “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give…” “You’re gonna need a bigger boat…” or “Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings.”

Movies have given us quotable lines since talkies were invented. Those lines include “I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse” from the original Godfather movie and, a personal favorite, “You’re killin’ me Smalls” from “The Sandlot.”

“The Wizard at Oz” has quite a few memorable lines, including “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore,” and “There’s no place like home.”

The “Back to the Future” movies have dozens of great lines. My favorite back-and-forth comes from the first movie.

When Marty lands in 1955, Doc Brown is doubting the teenager came from the future.

Doc Brown:  “If you’re from the future, who’s the president of the United States.”

Marty:  “Ronald Reagan.”

Doc Brown:  “The actor? Who’s secretary of the treasury? Jack Benny?”

I was in a crowded movie theater, and the entire place laughed so loud, I almost couldn’t hear the next two minutes of the movie.

Some of my favorite lines come from the 1989 movie “Steel Magnolias. I’ve dropped the line “I love you more than my luggage” a few times in my life.

When I want a deep insult, this line runs through my head: “The nicest thing I can say about her is all her tattoos were spelled correctly.”

“O Brother Where Art Thou” is an Hebert family favorite. When the situation required it, which happens a lot more than I ever thought possible, I’ve muttered “You guys are dumber than a bag of hammers.”

I’d almost forgotten about a movie that has some of the best quotable lines of the past 50 years – the original “Ghostbusters.”

Written by Dan Akroyd and Harold Ramis, the creative screenplay is filled with snappy dialogue delivered by some of the best comics of the 1980s.

Bill Murray, Dan Akroyd, Ernie Hudson, Annie Potts, and Harold Ramis are perfect together. They serve up lines and someone else serves it back to score the point.

It’s easy to miss some of the funnier lines, something I realized when I watched “Ghostbusters” a week ago. I found myself laughing out loud, so I started writing down some of my favorite lines.

Here’s my top five:

“Back off, man, I’m a scientist.”

“We better split up. Yeah, we can do more damage that way.”

“You don’t act like a scientist. You’re more like a game-show host.”

“This is a sign all right. It’s a sign we’re going out of business.”

“I’ve worked in the private sector. They expect results.”

One of the best scenes comes when the ghosts have been let loose, thanks to an obnoxious EPA representative. The mayor of New York isn’t sure if he should listen to the Ghostbusters, who have a solution, or listen to the EPA guy who wants to throw them in jail.

Venkman, played by Bill Murray, tells the mayor “If I’m right, you will have saved the lives of millions of registered voters.”

The Ghostbusters got the green light.

My all-time favorite line from “Ghostbusters” comes toward the end of the movie.

After almost getting killed by the big bad Gozer, Winston, still gasping for breath, says, “Ray, if someone asks you if you’re a god, you say yes.”

The line I’ve used the most from any movie is delivered by Michael “Squints” Palledorous in “The Sandlot.”

He’s waiting for Benny to finish giving instructions to the new kid, Smalls, who hasn’t a clue about baseball.

When “The Jet” finally throws the ball, Squints can’t help but yell “It’s about time Benny. My clothes are going out of style.”

So the next time you’re in the market for a good laugh, you know who you’re gonna call.

Yep. Ghostbusters.

This column was originally published in The Fort Bend Herald. 

We sat in the folding chairs in the cafeteria, waiting for the play to begin. Our granddaughter’s junior high had been practicing for months on their musical “Beauty and the Beast Junior.” We’d been hearing about the ups and downs of rehearsals, but there was always an excitement in her voice about the production.

And then it was opening night.

Little girls dressed in Belle costumes. Fidgety toddlers climbed in and out of laps up and down the row, and no one minded a bit.

White-haired grandparents waited excitedly for the lights to come up, and some brothers and sisters idly played on their phones, obviously dragged along by their parents to see sister or brother perform.

The lights dimmed and three young teens came onto the stage. The costumes were made by the students, with help from some parents, and the sets were also designed, painted and constructed by the students.

Nothing looked second-rate or hand-made. These young thespians took us on a journey with Belle and the Beast, their energy infectious. People laughed at the right times, clapped at the right times and, I’ll admit, we all teared up at the right times.

These teens immersed themselves in their roles and captured our hearts along the way.

We owe a debt to fine arts teachers who see the potential in our children. Our family can never repay retired theatre teacher Wanda Harrell. She coaxed a winning performance from two of our sons.

I will never forget sitting in the audience at Garcia Middle School and literally pulling back in awe when our middle son strode across the stage as Daddy Warbucks.

We had no clue he liked acting and no idea he could sing that well.

I attended every performance and cried through the entire last one. Those were tears of joy that my son had found something he liked and tears of gratitude for the teacher who nurtured our son to shine on the stage.

She did so with our youngest son as well and turned his buck-the-system personality into Harry McAfee, a conservative, jacket-wearing father. I saw every one of his performances and cried through the entire last one, just as I had for his brother.

There’s so much pressure on teachers and students to do well on standardized tests.

Achieve a 100 on math tests, make sure they’re in advanced classes and apply for college early and often.

We forget that kids need more than numbers on a test report.

They should learn to work with their hands to create art, sculptures and rocking chairs.

They benefit when they learn how to sing with their peers or play an instrument.

Their lives are enriched when they know how to bake, speak a different language or work behind the scenes for a theatrical performance.

They can learn to watch the cues and quietly change a stage from a forest to a castle in the dark and in minutes. Many will find they love creating a costume or transforming someone’s face from a person to a candle stick.

Scoring a 100 on a test is satisfying, but that feeling only lasts until the next test.

Watching an audience jump to their feet and applause with enthusiasm is a feeling that lasts all one’s life.

Fine arts classes nurture confidence, and that nurturing is even more important for those who struggle with academics. Students find success behind the curtain, behind the camera and behind a table saw.

And that’s what education is all about.

Thank you, fine-arts teachers, for giving our young people the opportunity to experience the nuances of life for those are what give us long-lasting satisfaction and joy.

This column was originally published in The Fort Bend Herald. 

Easter is coming soon and we’re all hoping for a more optimistic Easter than we had last year.

This year, the candy shelves are full, and shoppers can be a little more particular about what treats to pick up for the holidays.

To help save you money and time, here’s my top 10 list of Easter candies ranked from worst to best.

# 10 – Jelly beans. Unless you spend money for the top brand of jelly beans, the inexpensive ones are awful.

The taste stays on your tongue like glue, and the gummy residue sticks to your teeth. Don’t try convincing me that black licorice jelly beans taste good. Or coffee jelly beans. Some flavors need to stay in their original lane.

#9 – Anything nutritious. Sorry, but Easter is the one day when sugar highs should be allowed.

I know the dangers of sugar – some people equate it to heroin – but I’ll take my chances on the sweet train this one day.

#8 – Nestles Crunch. When I was a kid, that red, white and blue wrapper signaled the best candy bar on the shelf.

Not anymore.

There’s too much crunch and not enough milk chocolate. I’ll give them credit for their 1950s commercials where we’re reminded that “N-E-S-T-L-E-S – Nestles makes the very best chocolate.”

#7 – Cadbury Crème Eggs. I know Cadbury is, for many people, the pinnacle of top-notch Easter candy. However, that cream stuff in the middle is the messiest candy around.

If you bite into the egg, the gooey center drips down your chin, making a huge mess. Also, that fondant center is taking up space where there could be chocolate.

#6 – Off-brand chocolate. I’m a bargain shopper and try the off-brands before spending money on name brands. However, chocolate is one item where you get what you pay for. Off-brand chocolate has a waxy texture and taste.

There’s one exception to this rule and that’s the giant chocolate Easter bunny. It doesn’t matter how those taste, Easter baskets aren’t complete unless there’s a Peter Cottontail chocolate bunny in the fake grass. Besides, the only parts we ever ate were the ears.

#5 – Miniature candy bars. Not enough chocolate. When I look down and see there’s a pile of wrappers in front of me, I feel guilty.

In fact, a dozen of those candies probably doesn’t add up to one candy bar, and they still make me feel like I need to go to confession. Still, they’re great when you need a small chocolate fix.

#4 – Peeps. This admission will probably ban me from social media but there’s too much sugar and too much marshmallow. But I accept the unwritten rule that an Easter basket isn’t complete without those yellow Peeps.

#3 – Hershey’s Kisses – Just because they wrap the Kisses in pink and purple foil instead of the standard silver doesn’t make them any more special. Still, we all need those kisses sprinkled in the fake grass.

The downside, if there could be any downside to chocolate, is the holiday wrappers remind you how old those Kisses are when you find them in your robe pocket in July. But you’ll eat them anyway.

#2 – Reese’s Peanut Eggs – these are the same recipe as a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, which I love. But for some reason, the Easter ones have a little too much peanut butter filling and not enough chocolate. A regular Reese’s Peanut Butter cup has the perfect balance of chocolate and peanut butter. So Reese’s stays at the top of the list.

#1 – Cadbury Mini Eggs – these delicious confections are the Maserati of Easter candy. That hard candy shell protects rich chocolate, and you can either chew them for an instant burst of flavor or let them melt on your tongue to prolong the sweetness.

You can only buy them at Easter, and I know people – me – who buy five or six bags so they can savor them all year long.

So happy egg hunting and Happy Easter! And if you can’t find any Cadbury Mini Eggs on the shelves, you’ll know who’s hoarding them.

This column was originally published in The Fort Bend Herald. 

A good friend posted pictures about her fabulous trip to London. They saw the changing of the guard, the Crown Jewels and toured some of the most famous places in England.

Another friend just came back from Switzerland, and she said there is no way to properly describe the majesty of the Swiss Alps. Every shop had exquisite chocolates, and she said the food was wonderful.

My niece constantly scours travel deals and recently returned from trips to Denver and San Antonio. She posted photos of the snowy mountains and scenes from the leisurely boat ride down the Riverwalk.

Me? I took a trip to Louisiana.

Saw a chemical plant, a giant metal building shaped like an alligator and more concrete median barriers lining the side of the interstate than there are Thibodeaux’s in Breaux Bridge.

Not that there wasn’t excitement along the way. I narrowly missed a giant pothole between Lafayette and Rayne after watching the guy in front of me practically lose a back wheel when he hit the pothole.

I also patted myself on the back for having the foresight to get off I-10 before the Mississippi River bridge, thus avoiding sitting in a long line of traffic to get into Baton Rouge.

Not everything on the trip was sunshine and roses.

When I pulled over at a rest stop to catch a quick nap, a van pulled up next to me and blared rock music while they smoked and made sandwiches from the side door.

That 20-minute nap lasted about 5 minutes.

There was some excitement. I drove five miles over the speed limit, refusing to slow down to 50 when the traffic thinned out. That only lasted about a half mile, but I was pretty daring for that five-minute stretch.

Instead of staying on a crowded interstate highway, I took the 210 Loop around Lake Charles. Being that high over the water is always a bit nerve racking for me.

Not exactly on-the-edge living, but these days, that’s about as exciting as it gets.

When we were quarantined for Covid, I told myself when it was safe to travel, I wasn’t going to waste any time. I’d get out there and see the world.

First on the bucket list is a trip to any section of Route 66. The reason – I celebrated my 66^th birthday back in July and I want to drive on Route 66 when I am 66.

I settled on flying into Albuquerque and taking a drive northeast to Santa Fe and then circling back to Albuquerque.

I was ready to book our flights a few months ago after the summer holidays, and Covid reared its horrible head again. When the coast looked clear, it was snowing in Albuquerque, and I have no desire to sightsee or drive in the snow and ice.

Just when I started researching airline flights to New Mexico, gas prices and airline tickets shot through the roof.

The section from Albuquerque to Santa Fe looks promising, but the pessimistic side of me thinks we’ll go to Amarillo, take a look at all those Cadillacs stuck in the dirt and come right back to Houston.

But hope springs eternal. As of the date this column is published, I have 118 days to make that road trip from Albuquerque to Santa Fe a reality.

Seeing Big Ben or traveling internationally is pretty exciting, but as the song says, I’ll get my kicks on Route 66.

This column was originally published in The Fort Bend Herald.