Finally the Internet got something right.

We’ve all skimmed through dozens of online “facts”– there are reptilian humanoids in high government positions running the world, Elvis and Tupac have been spotted in a washateria eating peanut-butter-and-banana sandwiches and time travelers can be seen in old photos using cell phones.

There’s one I can say actually happened to me:  if you leave your clothes in a dark closet for three months, like say during a pandemic, they shrink.

At least three sizes.

The last time I put on a pair of dress slacks was Friday, March 8. In those 13 weeks, those jeans shrank. I can’t button or zip them. Same goes for the skirts in my closet. All my shirts refuse to button and even my shoes are pretty darned snug.

It has to be because they haven’t seen daylight.

The reason couldn’t be that I’ve been stress eating for the past three months. There’s no way that a steady diet of the comfort foods from my childhood — Cocoa Krispies, meat loaf and Kraft macaroni and cheese — caused me to put on a few pounds.

As an experiment, I tried on all the shorts in my closet, and the only ones that fit were the ones with an elastic waistband. I think elastic has some magical properties that lack of sunlight causes the material to relax and stretch more.

There are a few superheroes in my wardrobe. Socks are immune to any effects of daylight. They all fit the same way they did before they were stuck in my drawer for three months. Same goes for towels and washcloths.

My mascara and eye shadow are in the same spot they were three months ago. Ditto for my lipstick. I haven’t had to take the cover off my deodorant for at least three months. There are a lot more gray hairs in my brush, though, so that’s an oddity that needs investigating.

I think the batteries in our house have been affected, especially the batteries in the television remote control. We’ve had to change those a couple of times during the pandemic when we normally only change those once a year.

Although how sunlight got to the remote when it’s been either in my hand or on the couch underneath an empty bag of Doritos is a mystery.

The internet says a lack of sunshine can cause the human body to adjust in strange ways. Somehow the pandemic affected my grocery-store buying routine, and bags of Oreos and Doritos jumped into my basket when I was adjusting my face mask.

They brought along some friends. There’s two bags of Hershey’s Kisses and a huge box of instant mashed potatoes on the top shelf of the pantry that were mysteriously in my grocery bag when I got home.

Something strange is going on in our freezer because I always have ice cream for the grandchildren. They haven’t visited for weeks, yet a whole gallon of Blue Bell Cookies and Cream ice cream has vanished.

Even I have to admit I’m stretching this theory when claiming lack of sunlight affects ice cream in a dark freezer.

It couldn’t be that someone is like a fish out of water now that there’s no routine, and food seems to be the only constant.

It couldn’t be that the best companion when watching four back-to-back seasons of “30 Rock” is a jar of peanut butter.

It couldn’t be that someone gets bored at night and sneaks vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup for a pick-me-up snack.

Or a mid-morning snack.

Or a mid-afternoon snack.

I wonder if the reptilians are behind this…

This column was originally published in The Fort Bend Herald.