For the past two days, I’ve been avoiding a giant silver remote control courtesy of our new cable television provider. I’ve complained about remote controls in the past, but this one takes the cake.

First of all, there’s 54 buttons on this one remote control, some accessing functions I didn’t even know existed for a television. I’ll bet this device is more complicated than controls on the Apollo 13 mission.

We’ve come a long way from the original remote control – the kids. My dad would plop down on the couch and tell one of us to turn on the television. We had to stand there, wait for the set to warm up and then turn the knob until we found a show he wanted to watch.

Easy enough with only three channels. But then we had to adjust the antenna on top of the TV to get the best reception.

If the picture was still snowy, we dreaded the next command – get the foil. My dad believed aluminum foil was the second best conductor for television waves.

The best conductor was an 8-year-old bored child who could’ve cared less about “Gunsmoke” but was required to stand there until my dad got tired of the fidgeting and complaining.

Then mechanical remote controls came along. The first ones had four buttons – on and off, volume, channel up and channel down. One had to practically sit right in front of the television and aim the remote straight at the screen in order for the gadget to work.

That’s when the second best conductor came into play – while my dad stayed on the couch, we got to stand in front of the television and change the channel. And then adjust the antenna and get the foil.

Over the years, remote controls have evolved. Viewers can change the channel from another room, program the television to record the entire “Gunsmoke” series, watch shows they’ve missed in the past two weeks and order and download the latest movies.

In order to carry out this magic, we need more gadgets. We have a rather simple TV setup, but ours requires four – yes four – remote controls.

There’s a small oval unit that only runs the DVD player. Then there’s another remote for a BluRay player which I never use because I can’t remember which one of the four remotes goes with that particular device. Then there’s two long, black ones with commands I still can’t figure out.

But I was determined to master the remote control bureaucracy, so I sat down on the couch, all five remote controls next to me, and started with the new boy on the block – the imposing silver one.

I pressed the “all on” button and a row of lights flashed across the top. Pretty, but no “Gunsmoke.” I pressed another big button that looked promising. Nada. So one by one, I started pressing big buttons on the other remotes and, voila, the TV came on.

Two hours later, I somehow managed to not only change channels but I figured out how to turn the volume up and down – all five remotes will do this, by the way – and record “Gunsmoke.”

I know there are universal remote controls that combine all the devices, but I’m afraid I’d either need a magnifying glass to figure out the purpose of each button or the device would have to be the size of my pillow.

Until then, I’m on the lookout for an 8-year-old kid who knows where I keep the aluminum foil.
 
This column was originally published in The Fort Bend Herald.